The problem is, where to go? It seems like there are only two types of massages available in the Great Southern California Basin. The first is the $40 “Come in here now, I treat you like king” massage that is available in every strip mall (and requires a return trip to the chiropractor to recover from the injuries), and the exotic and expensive “spa” treatment massage that is included in every award show celebrity gift bag.
Well, there is a third kind, but that isn’t really a massage now, is it?
So in case you are planning your trip to SoCal, and getting a fancy massage is on your list of things to do, right after taking an open-top bus tour of the stars’ homes, here is a sampling of the menu from the very shi-shi spa called the Brooke Williams Experience. Brooke Williams invites you to go beyond the spa and envelope yourself in a sanctuary of decadent decompression, where complete relaxation is only a second mortgage away.
The Brooke Williams Signature Enhanced Organic Gluten-Free Vegan Massage: relax, breathe deeply, and experience the indulgent benefits of being massaged by two professional Swedish millennial masseuses who are not only unnaturally strong, but constantly give off the odors of Frankincense, Eucalyptus, and a lack of career goals. Spiral spiritually into revelatory relaxation as Lars and Ingrid take turns spreading hot pomegranate seeds and cold quinoa over your body, then wrap you in giant steamed kale leaves while humming tunes from their personal Spotify station.
The Pure Relaxation Aura Detox and Attitude Adjustment: this specialized and highly individualized Brooke Williams treatment explores the root causes of your H2V deficiencies and manipulates your actualization problems by gently massaging the areas that surround your entire body. Feel revitalized while the air that hovers between six inches and a foot from your body – your spiritual atmosphere – is caressed and manipulated for 80 minutes until your skin pores yearn for actual physical contact. This “teasing” style of massage focuses your desires until you practically leap into your partner’s, or anyone’s, arms to experience the next level of human interaction.
Enzyme Nourishing, 4-Layer Resurfacing and Brightener: no one in the building knows what this means, but sit back, relax and enjoy while your tense, imperfect body is dipped in imported Vodka for over an hour while lemon twists are gently and skillfully shoved into any available openings by our skilled technicians. Upon emerging from the vodka soak, your human suit pruny from the rejuvenating pharmaceutical grade Nordic booze, you will be waxed from head to toe then flogged gently with the dangling ends of unfinished braided craft show key chain holders until your skin positively glows. Look younger, feel brighter! Note: do not drive yourself home.
Unfortunately, I do not have enough money to indulge in this level of decadent pampering that would enable me to escape the chaotic world’s shackles of stress and strain. Maybe you do. But for now, I will just have to be spiritually satisfied by leaning backwards forcefully against the doorjamb, hoping to hit that spot.
This article first appeared on HumorOutcasts.com