For the first time in my three hundred seventy five years in Show Business, I worked on a commercial for lawyers. Usually the only lawyers who advertise on TV are the bottom feeders that want to profit from your denied disability claims, ancient asbestos exposure, or your, gulp, vaginal mesh debacle.
But this was for a company (I can’t say who – they made me sign a very large non-disclosure agreement, which is pretty damned lawer-y if you ask me) that wants to put you, the little guy, in touch with skilled, knowledgeable, and most of all, affordable lawyers. Real lawyers. Who actually practice law. And have books on walls. And know what a nudum pactum is.
In the past, real lawyers have been something out of the reach of us regular people. Nobody with a normal income can afford anyone whose income is derived from a method called “billable hours.” We just have to work out our disputes, which most of the times means taking a hard swift kick in the posterior and liking it.
Wealthy people get to hire lawyers, because that is what all that extra money is for, right? ‘Gives them the freedom to do whatever the hell they want.
Get caught drunk driving the Consul vehicle in a foreign country after visiting a hooker? Butt dial the lawyer while cuffed in the backseat.
Insult an entire race of people while owning a basketball team? Sick the team of lawyers on anyone inside the fallout radius and walk away with a cool couple of billion dollars.
Spew noxious toxic waste through an entire gulf for weeks on end, slaughtering entire species and killing the possibilities of countless reality shows about swamp-like people? Send in the phalanx of lawyers, and have them help create an alternate reality where The Company did nothing but good for an entire region of the planet and then declares itself a friend of the environment.
We have never had that option. Until now. Finally some relief and justice for the little people! Cable company raises your cable bill again? Your new lawyer will go after them like a pit bull on a meth head until they have to pay you for the privilege of providing you with intermittent service during crucial sporting events.
Insurance company refusing to pay a claim on a policy you have diligently paid for 20 years? Your lawyer will chase them down like a starving actor looking for an open call, and make them sit through hours of automated phone responses just for the right to give you money.
Neighbor busts out the chainsaw on Saturday morning at 7:00am? One call and your legal representation will be on him like the Louisiana Court on gay marriage.
So let’s hope this finally chalks one up for the little people. Of course if every little person has a lawyer . . . I can’t help but wonder what have I done lately to piss someone off?
This article first appeared on HumorOutcasts.com