You know what really crisps my bacon? Hospitals and colleges.

I am so tired of getting solicitations from hospitals and colleges asking me to give generously, or how about sending us some extra money because we fixed your flooby valve, or don’t forget us in your will. My will!

The cost of attending either one of these institutions has spiraled unforgivably out of control, and I know just where to place the blame: corporate dumbasses who have gained control of them, and can’t stop spending money like they’ve got one day to live, all under the guise of being “competitive.”

Stop upgrading. I mean it. Stop making the hospital look like the frickin’ Four Seasons. Nobody needs that. That is wasted money, spent by some idiot Chief Executive Officer who is worried about their “brand” and who thinks he needs to “compete” with other hospitals.

There is no need for a hospital to compete. And here’s why: when you act like a DIY chucklehead and breach a major artery with your orbital sander, blood spewing everywhere like a Tarantino movie, the last thing you are going to say to the ambulance driver as you see the light at the end of the tunnel is, “Hey, I think we’ve got time – let’s go to the Ritz Carlton Valley Medical Center because they have such a nice lobby chandelier.”

No. You want the closest one with a doctor who has drugs and sutures.

Those same idiots are running colleges like corporations too. Ridiculous gobs of money are spent building extravagant structures that would make Egyptian Pharaohs tent their skirts; the dormitories have evolved into swanky urban centers that would price you out, you scumbag riff-raff, if they were on the market in any city in America.

All this to educate kids who will eat something off the ground outside for breakfast on a dare, or drink what is left over in someone’s red cup from a party two days earlier.

There is no need for a college to compete. Everyone wants to go. If you make them cheap enough, everyone will. You know why? Because kids actually want to get out of the house and college is a way to do that, and more than anything, they want to be in close proximity to thousands of people of the opposite (and same) sex.

Stop flippin’ competing. Stop it.

Every hospital should look exactly the same – just like the local CVS or Rite Aid. No frills, just a clean spartan environment. Nobody needs a fancy pants waiting room with bullshit Herman Miller couches. They just want to get something taken out, or put in, or fixed.

No college should look like a damned spa. Concrete pillbox dormitories and normal looking lecture halls with no designer distractions will do just fine. Believe me, those kids will take enough hallucinogens to make those walls look like whatever the hell their still-forming brains want to see. Stop wasting the money, and CHARGE ME LESS.

Fix it by getting rid of the CEO-types. Fire them right now. They only exist to increase costs. Hire someone frugal who is willing to say, “Real art on the walls? Are you effing insane?”

Most people can afford to stay at a Holiday Inn Express. Very few can even get past the doorman at a St. Regis.

That’s how you compete. Now get me a fresh order of bacon.

This article first appeared on HumorOutcasts.com