My searing contempt for the half-human that infests our White House has had devastating effects on me. 

I have become so obsessed with removing Cheatolini from office that I overlook basic daily functions like laundry and bathing. I’m overwhelmed with my inability to stop the blatant criminal activity, and the obvious linear path to authoritarianism, to the point that I forget to pay bills and feed my children. But worst of all, The Orange Turd has stolen my sense of humor.

So today, I am going to attempt to rediscover laughter, through finding the humor in Trump. Won’t you travel with me? 

Let’s start with some of the funny things that he says. I mean the guy is hysterical. How about this quote from the Boston Globe from Cheddar Boy talking about insurance:

“Because you are basically saying from the moment the insurance, you’re 21 years old, you start working and you’re paying $12 a year for insurance, and by the time you’re 70, you get a nice plan.”

OMG, that’s funny! See, what he has done is taken a sentence fragment and mashed it up with an absurd claim about a mythical $12 a year policy, then combined it with the illusion of not understanding any part of the concept of insurance, to vast comedic effect. 

Or after visiting Napoleon’s tomb in Paris, when he said:

“His one problem is he didn’t go to Russia that night because he had extracurricular activities, and they froze to death.” 

LOL! There is so much laughter to unpack in this statement! So apparently, through Butternut Squash’s vast understanding of history, Napoleon’s Grande Armée

did not actually take 680,000 soldiers through Western Russia all the way to Moscow, only to discover it abandoned by the Russians. And the Russian Winter, and persistent attacks by the peasants and Cossacks, did not actually defeat Napoleon’s army. 

What actually happened was Napoleon got laid and froze to death. Never went to Russia.

Comedic genius.

Cheeto-In-Chief’s standup routine covers a lot of ground. His set in South Korea in 2017, under the guise of giving a simple toast, shows his unique ability to string together words to find new meanings in them:

“Together, our nations remind the world of the boundless potential of societies that choose freedom over tyranny, and who set the free. And we will free, and we will sacrifice, and we will hope, and we will make things beautiful, especially the aspirations of your people.” (NYMag)

I am dying here! How many times have I asked, “Who set the free?” Well, who did? You don’t know, do you? And by God, we will free. Because beautiful free is what we do. And we do free without even knowing who did the free. We free. Because we have sacrificed the free in order to free, and we will do free for you!

Sometimes Hair Furor takes his comedy into the arena of foreign policy, which as anyone who has done 5 minutes at the Comedy Store knows, is risky business. But he pulls it off:

“Crimea was gone during the Obama administration, and he have, he allowed it to get away. You know, he can talk tough all he wants, in the meantime he talked tough to North Korea. And he didn’t actually. He didn’t talk tough to North Korea. You know, we have a big problem with North Korea. Big. Big. Big. You look at all of the things, you look at the line in the sand. The red line in the sand in Syria. He didn’t do the shot. I did the shot. Had he done that shot, he wouldn’t have had – had he done something dramatic, because if you remember, they had a tremendous gas attack after he made that statement. Much bigger than the one they had with me.” 

How funny is that? Obama allowed Crimea to sneak away because he talked tough to North Korea, but really he didn’t! See what he did there? And North Korea is not just a big problem, but a big, big, big problem that results from having a red line drawn between them and their neighbor . . . Syria. And then to cap the intricate geo-political weave with a couple of fart jokes?

I actually guffawed. It’s a real thing. 

Sometimes the Orangeback Gorilla plays jokes on the press. Like in 2018 when he explained why new immigrants were flooding into the country:

“A lot of people are coming in because they want to take advantage of DACA.”

But he was teasing, and his prank made Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post take the bait by saying that it couldn’t happen: “Only if they arrived via a time machine could they qualify for DACA, which he repealed and which required that the recipients have been in the United States since June 15, 2007.”

I love when he makes me spit my lime La Croix out through my nose. She looked so stupid!

On trade with China in August of 2018 (from The Independent): 

“When we make a car and send it to China they charge us a 25 percent tax…When they make a car and send it to us, we charge them essentially nothing, it’s two-and-a-half percent but basically they don’t pay it…So they pay, think of it, they pay two-and-a-half percent, meaning nothing, and we pay 25 percent and on top of it, they don’t want our cars, that’s even worse…I don’t blame them, look, I don’t blame China. I don’t blame any of these countries I don’t have to go through them I’ve got some good relationships – believe it or not they all like me…They understand, they can’t believe themselves they got away with it, they can’t believe they got away with it. But they have and we’re turning it around, we’re turning it around fast.” 

Wow! Wowee wow! I’ll wait while you finish gasping for breath from the laugh seizure. So they make a car and sell it to us, we charge them nothing to do that, which is equal to two-and-a-half percent, but since they don’t pay us the two-and-a-half percent of nothing, we pay them 25 percent on top of nothing for cars that they buy that they don’t even want. It’s like a magic trick! 

Sometimes Stubby Fingers just goes for the obvious:

There is “so much happening in space,” besides “Mars and the Moon.”

At Wharton, the Trumpster Fire learned a lot about history. He is very smart about history. He knows more history than history does, because he is a stable history genius.

At an Ohio rally in October 2018, Trump was attempting to pay tribute to famous native sons, like William McKinley, Ulysses Grant, the Wright Brothers, and Neil Armstrong, when this came out of his mouth:  

“He’s the man that planted the flag – think of that – on the face of the moon. Who’s that? Who are they a relative of – oh, that’s nice. They weren’t worried about not planting a flag, right? You know them. He planted that flag, that American flag right on the face of the moon. There was no kneeling. There was no nothing. There was no games. There was no games. Boom. Wrong. Right? Right, fellas?” (NYT)

Boom! You know them – they are all relatives! Nobody had to kneel or bust out a board game to plant a that flag on the moon’s face. Not just that flag, but an American that flag. Wrong. Right? Wrong. Right? 

I have a cramp in my side. I’m doubled over.

Even the savvy Leslie Stahl on CBS can fall prey to the cunning jocularity of the Windblown Wig-Wearing Sasquatch. On 60 Minutes, in 2018, she decided to throw him a softball question about what he had learned since becoming the first president to lack prior government experience. He lulled her into a stupor by rambling on about how Manhattan real estate guys are the toughest people and politicians are babies. When she asked for an example, this gem came from his puckered mouth:

“Well, I don’t want to give you an example. I’m not looking to – in the meantime, nobody’s been able to do what I’ve been able to do. Remember that. When you look at taxes, you look at regulations, you look at making deals with other countries. Nobody’s been able to do anything like this. Actually most people didn’t even try because they knew they didn’t have the ability to do it. But it’s a very deceptive world. The other thing I’ve really learned is, I never knew how dishonest the media was. And I really meant it. I’m not saying that as a sound bite.”

I have a headache from giggling for so long. I need air. So nobody has ever done taxes or regulations or deals with other countries, or anything like this. And they don’t even try because they’ve been deceived . . . by something. No one has done anything before. Ever. And you know why they can’t? Because the press is dishonest, that’s why. 

Good night everybody! I’ll be here for two more years! Tip your waitresses and your lawyers on the way out! 

But for President Pussy Grabber’s encore, I would like to leave you with this absolute gem from Putin’s Puppet. In giving a speech in 2016 discussing the nuclear deal between the U.S. and Iran, that he later jettisoned, he couldn’t resist warping time and space through his Wharton-taught mastery of the universe:

“Look, having nuclear – my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart – you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world – it’s true! – but when you’re a conservative Republican they try – oh do they do a number – that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune – you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged – but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me – it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are – nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? – but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners – now it used to be three, now it’s four – but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years – but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.” (Snopes)

285 words that do not connect in any way, make no sense at all, and contain no factual information whatsoever. That, my friends, is not easy to do. It takes a stable comedic genius to pull this off. 

Am I right, fellas?