What Wine Pairs Well With A Sh*t Show?

I’ve never been through a pandemic and a massively corrupt government before, so it leaves me with questions. First, what wine pairs well with the downfall of Democracy? Oh sure, you might say that I am being overly dramatic, but am I really?

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Since the decay of our form of government seemed to start slowly, the early stages probably called for a nice Pinot Noir, with its light-to-medium body and velvety cherry notes. This delightful varietal might have caused me to miss when a certain someone went into a private meeting with the Russian Ambassador right after the election, no press allowed, or called on James Comey, during the Flynn investigation, to just “let this go.”

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But as we swing into a full-blown dictatorial kakistocracy: a system of government run by the worst, least qualified, and most unscrupulous people, I’m realizing that something with much more oomph is more appropriate.

If the “president” has decided that no truth is worth telling, there are no numbers of dead Americans high enough to stand in the way of his reelection, and science is meaningless up against his stable genius, giant brain, and mushroom appendage, then we need a big gun.

It’s clearly time for a huge, robust Petite Syrah or even a frighteningly powerful Italian Barolo to body slam the vision of vile immorality from our minds and make us forget about the appointment of Bill Barr; something to saber-slice through the layers of corruption, whether it is extorting Ukraine for dirt on Biden, or sending unidentifiable federal troops into major cities to kidnap protestors off the streets in unmarked vans.

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During the Obama administration, characterized by intelligence, thoughtfulness, and a distinct lack of controversy, unless you count him wearing a **gasp** tan suit, you could easily have served a classic California Chardonnay, buttery and oaky, hints of vanilla and apple, velvety smooth, with legs for days, or even a lovely Sauvignon Blanc with its subtle notes of peach and citrus peel. Perfect companions to saving the economy.

If that didn’t float your boat, Michelle would’ve appreciated you reaching for the lovely Bordeaux with its delicately complex layers of cassis, blackberry, and coffee bean, and the firm yet approachable tannic finish that we so deserved, and it pairs so nicely with grace and dignity.

This putrid hulk of rotting flesh that infests our White House right now, reeking of sulfur, and spewing vicious, hateful vomit so toxic that flies won’t even go near, really requires something profound and, well, confrontational. Something needs to cleanse the palate of his friendship with a North Korean dictator who loves to execute people with anti-aircraft guns, or his nauseating crush on Putin and his penchant for murdering his opponents with spy movie poisons . . . yes, this requires something substantial.

I’m thinking a gigantic California Syrah, big and ballsy, no subtleties, just to knock the immorality and perversity of Our Glorious Leader back on his heels, staggering from the hard right hook of high alcohol content. Take that, Traitor Trump. Then the wine moves into its smokey, herbal, bacon and chewy leather undertones, which will pound the smirking, incompetent liar into the ropes, finally finishing him off with white and black pepper, hardcore tannins, expertly erasing the last four years of devastatingly deadly anti-science twaddle and white nationalism from our minds.

Or maybe you would prefer to go with something that has been around forever, that has seen empires come and go, and can speak to them from the vantage point of history, as though to say, “You are but a weasel and a coward, Bitch of Bunker, grotesquely illiterate, dangerously incompetent, and without ever toiling an honest day in this fraud you call your life.”

That would be an Amarone, an ancient wine with a painstaking viticultural process that can only be learned through centuries. Grapes for this wine are painstakingly laid out in a single layer on mats to dry for months, followed by years in Slavonian oak barrels or French barriques. Patience my Grasshopper.

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This process of time and intelligence yields a wine with such complexity that no Trump family member, with their fraudulent credentials, sophomoric viewpoints, and verbal diarrhea, could ever comprehend. A gentle giant, monolithic yet elegant, darkly herbaceous yet sweet, with a richly tannic finish expertly utilizing a high degree of alcohol, to make you forget, if just for awhile, the rape charges, the Muslim Ban, the “good people on both sides” of a Nazi rally, the Obstruction of Justice, the Abuse of Power, the lying about a pandemic being airborne, and the hiring of astonishingly unqualified and incompetent people.

You will be carried away to another time and place entirely. Amarone is a Netflix historical drama series, a Game of Thrones, or The Crown, or Catherine the Great, but in the form of the nectar of the gods.

But the one I am saving, for when the obsequious sycophants are finally cleansed from the halls of power, and the sociopathic Citrus Traitor is extradited to the hostile halls of the SDNY’s wrath, is my lovely and salubrious Cabernet Sauvignon. Its medium to full body filled with black fruits, warm spice, tobacco and leather, pouring over the palate like silky blanket, with it’s tannic long finish, is just the salve to heal the wounds of 2020.

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