I Want To Apologize To My Liver For The Last Week

It’s really not fair that one of my internal organs should bear the brunt of the election. What did it ever do to deserve the onslaught of alcohol that started on Election Day and has not ceased since? It has been a faithful organ; selflessly filtering all the poisons and various Big Pharma toxins from my body, with no complaint other than the occasional elevated enzyme readings at my physical.


But now I fear my liver may look more like one of those blurry looking pickled eggs in a filthy jar at a dive bar.

It started on Election Day when a group of us like-minded liberals gathered to watch the results so that we wouldn’t have to argue with some knucklehead in a Chinese made red hat that yes, saying you want to grab a woman by the pussy does indeed make you a sexist pig. We were drinking the nectar of the Gods, while some bubbly cooled in the fridge for the inevitable victory celebration that would accompany the shattering of the glass ceiling.


Photo by Gage Skidmore

But, as the early evening progressed, the pace of consumption increased as we watched John King on CNN desperately try to massage the missing democratic votes out of the few blue counties remaining in Florida. Then Pennsylvania. Then Ohio. Then Wisconsin. Then drink a lot more. At one point he was so desperate to find the lost Hillary voters that he looked like an OCD rat pushing the button for cheese even though shocks had been delivered the last 20 times in a row. Wolf kept trying to distract him by saying, “And another Key Race Alert – Trump is still leading!”

By 8pm it was horribly clear what was happening. I was reduced to scooping up the residue from the bottom of my wine glass with my fingers, hoping that it was more potent than what I had been drinking.


 Photo by Quinn Dombrowski

The next day brought no relief. I was in such a denial daze that I probably checked HuffPo against CNN several times a minute hoping for a miracle of different results, until 5pm rolled around and I could start drinking again. How could this happen?

How could America put an old man in the White House who thinks women are to be grabbed, political opponents are to be jailed, gays are to be ridiculed, Muslims are to be banned, the handicapped are to be mocked, Mexicans are to be barricaded, and Big Business should be given free and unfettered access to the economy? These thoughts led me to guzzle Cabernet in copious quaffs. And yes, you can chug even the loveliest of wines.

Each day brought a new horror that required fresh anesthetizing. Trump meets with Obama and discovers that the job is a lot harder than he thought. Slurp. Trump doesn’t want to live in the White House and would rather stay in his throne room in Trump Tower. Guzzle. The Russians celebrate Trump’s victory with toasts and naked bear hugs. Glug. Hate crimes are on the rise nationwide. Uncork a Jeroboam of Syrah. Trump names his brainless, scary demon children to his transition staff. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, pass out.

Surely yesterday would bring some relief. I walked outside for the first time. The yard was still there. The sky was still blue. Oh sure, it was 95 degrees in November and the Super Moon was coming, but those weren’t bad omens were they? I checked the news (like a bonehead). Shouldn’t have done that. The headlines screamed that Trump picked Stephen Bannon, the Executive Chairman of Breitbart News as his chief strategist.


Breitbart News! And if that isn’t a contradiction, I’m totally sober. Brietbart News, authors of such famous headlines as: “The Solution To Online Harassment is Simple: Women Should Log Off,” and “Gabby Giffords: The Gun Control Movement’s Human Shield,” and “Planned Parenthood’s Body Count Under Cecile Richards Is Up To Half A Holocaust,” and “Bill Kristol: Republican Spoiler, Renegade Jew.” I’m not making this up.


by DonkeyHotey

Oh but there was more. Loony Rudy Giuliani was actually being considered for something. That statement alone would be shocking, but what came after it was like smoking jet engine dropping through the roof of my house.

Pumpkin Butt’s list of possible cabinet selections reads like a Who’s Who of incredibly dangerous morons: Rudy, Newt “I Fully Support Child Labor” Gingrich, Jeff “I Am Offended By Views Of Climate Scientists” Sessions (don’t get me started about this hideous racist and immigrant basher), “Dr.” Ben Carson who couldn’t even find his way on stage, Jan “I Hate Everyone and Everything” Brewer, and for the love of God the return of Sarah “Bat Shit Crazy” Palin.


I’m running out of booze.

And today, apparently Trump called conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to thank him for his support during the election. Alex Jones. Alex Jones who believes global warming is a hoax created by the Chinese, the Clintons are serial murderers, Hillary Clinton is a witch who is responsible for the murders of the Dallas policemen, Justice Scalia was murdered (hmm, I’m sensing a theme here), and one of my all time favorites – the government has a “weather weapon” that can create and steer groups of tornadoes.

So I don’t think my liver gets a break today. But soon, I hope.

In the meantime, I am going to join in solidarity with the young people, the people of color, the LGBTQ community, the immigrants, the Muslims, the students, and the women, who immediately recognized the threat that this new Agent Orange Administration poses to the rights of people everywhere, and has mobilized in a time-honored American tradition of peaceful, noisy protest.


They recognize that we can’t change the results, but we can certainly change the process, and make the Trump Tower King and his Cabinet of Deplorables realize that there is a huge amount of people who have the backs of another huge amount of people in this country, and we will be heard.

I regret that I have but one liver to give for my country.


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