I am convinced there is a higher force watching over us, but not the kindly, altruistic, divine type you’re thinking of. No, this one is much more sinister and devious and, well, greedy. It’s the Financial Devil.
This Satan of Simoleons knows exactly what is going on in my house and life, as though he was a senior analyst with the NSA; the Lucifer of Loot knows precisely when something fortuitous has happened, and then rains economic obstacles down in my path, very deliberately and with great malice.
Take for instance this summer. Our household went through an extended period of cash flow vacation (as in there was no flow) which, on one hand, is great for hanging out with the family, cooking casseroles at home and enjoying quality time watching our teenagers leave the house constantly to go do anything else, anywhere else, with anyone else.
So when a bunch of work appeared on the horizon, and it looked like the ship listing hard to port would right itself, the air conditioner mysteriously started spewing water all over the place, both toilets developed chronic clogs that resisted all attempts at plungification, and that yellow warning light came on in whatever car we were driving.
I’d swear I could hear sinister laughing, with lots of reverb, coming from my drains.
The AC didn’t morph into a sprinkler when I was reheating leftovers for the umpteenth time. The first college bill didn’t come when I was fixing all the wonky doors around the house just to justify my existence. The warning lights didn’t come on when I was finding fun free projects like scanning all our old “analog” photos.
All that happened on the very day that I booked a bunch of work. It’s certainly intervention, but not of the Divine type.
His Evil Plan ensured that the entire next month and a half of working will go straight to the air conditioning guy, the mechanic, and the plumber who, by the way, knows way too much about each one of us.
This is the Serpent of Scratch at work.
It has gotten to the point around here where my wife and I take turns reminding each other that if, for some reason, there is a little bit of money in the checking account – it’s not really there, because something is about to happen.
So you, you Serpent of Sheckels, who is hell-bent on keeping me down: I’m onto you. I know what you are doing. I am going to find your counterpart – the one who will let the money flow freely, the yin to your yang, the Bernie Sanders to your Mitch McConell, the Paul Allen to your Donald Trump, and we will let the forces of good and evil duke it out.
Because if good can prevail, and I can stop you from hurling flaming financial boulders at me from behind your fortress of malevolence, I can spread good fortune throughout the region.
I have long said that if our politicians are interested in true economic recovery, they will give people like me lots of money, because I will distribute it through more trade groups and businesses faster than lobbyist cash flowing to a U.S. Senator.
But if evil prevails, I will live in constant fear of someone handing me a hundred bucks out of the blue. Because I know that within 30 seconds I would get a phone call from a kid saying, “Hey Dad, have I ever told you how great you are? Sooooo, you know the side view mirror the neighbor’s car used to have . . . ?
Cue evil laugh.
This article first appeared on HumorOutcasts.com