At first blush, it seemed like my boss had done me a huge favor by letting me off early last week.

What a great opportunity. I could catch up on some errands, do some banking in person, maybe finally weed the garden (or garden the weeds), wash the dog, clean the baseboards, make something real for dinner, invent cold fusion…so many things possible.

Then it hit me: I should workout.

That’s what people do who care, right? They get some extra time, they go run a marathon, or swim a channel, or tackle an Iron Man thingy, right? I’m in. Let’s give my legs some definition. I want to know what my core is. Let’s figure out what people mean when they use terms like stamina and wind.

On the first day, I got home with enough daylight left to actually do a workout.  A workout!  I chose a lovely jog in the neighborhood. An activity that led many major parts of my body to rebel, form alliances, then punish me.

I learned so much from my first time out. Apparently the iliotibial band and the hip flexors have a great relationship with the gluteus maximus and the lateral epicondyle and together they can bring all physical activity to a screeching halt, in a very comedic fashion to anyone watching, in a matter of seconds. I’m glad I could provide the gift of laughter to the neighborhood kids.

Then, I instantly developed this horrible, debilitating condition. I had to end the run early so I could stop some sort of fluid from leaking from my skin (what is that gross stuff?). I must have contracted some bizarre tropical disease after I turned the corner from my house.

I limped slowly home and was able to apply a homeopathic treatment called booze that was a very effective salve when applied internally.

After the second day, I showed the wisdom of my age and went straight home to apply the salve immediately.  I love that I get smarter as I get older.

And you know what? The pain and the problems went away. So know I have a new workout routine, and you can call me for the recipe for my treatment plan anytime.  It’s really very simple.

This article first appeared on HumorOutcasts.com