You Will Submit To The Plant Overlords


Sometimes my job as a sound mixer in Show Business takes me to some fascinating and exotic locations, and sometimes it just lands me right in the middle of a commercial plant nursery for 16 hours. So much for the glamour.

techequipBut the most peculiar thing happened while I was nestled safely in the hothouse between the rhododendrons and the begonias.  As you may know, I have highly sensitive, extremely sophisticated state of the art microphones at my disposal.  They enable me to hear teamsters talking during a take a quarter mile away, somebody chewing watermelon flavored gummy bears at 50 feet, and the sound of an anthill as the little buggers begin their day’s work.

On this day, my microphones picked up a very peculiar sound in the nursery.  Sort of a high pitched static sound. After running it through a series of highly technical subdural hematoma vortex filters, I heard conversations.  From the plants.

iceplantHoly cow!  Apparently the seemingly benign Delosperma Nubigenum (Ice Plant) is a plant slut and will pollinate with virtually anyone.  At least that is word from the Northeast corner of the hot house.  And the lovely Waldsteinia absolutely cannot stand that “show-off bitch,” the Cambridge Geranium, and refuses to share “any soil in any bed, anywhere.”

It didn’t stop there.  The Tatarian Dogwood won’t stop making fun of the sensitive Iris, the Red Oak thinks it knows everything, and the Balloon Flower is “a big fat liar.”

But what concerned me most was the whispered conversations from the beds tucked in the Southwest corner.  They weren’t gossiping.   According to the Artemisia Absinthium, the targeted dispensing of pollen and spores to induce allergy symptoms in “the humans” has been a long running and successful experiment.

Jacaranda_mimosifolia2The Fall Crocus and the February Daphne gave an update on the pollen variation that alters the human genome to create a craving for five dollar coffee drinks on a daily basis.  And Jacaranda Mimosifolia provided data on her experiment to see which pollens could make the humanoids reduce a social media comment exchange to troll warfare in three exchanges or less, which she proclaimed to be a huge success.

Right before I heard the report from English Ivy about “taking back the Earth from the humans,” the Virginia Creeper figured out what I was doing and sounded the alarm, and all the plants went silent.  For the rest of the day, though, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched. Sort of like the plants were mulching me with their terminal buds.

I’m sure it’s nothing, but you know, heads up I guess.  Well, I’m gonna go take a Zyrtec, grab a Vente Frappuccino and check my Facebook.

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2 thoughts on “You Will Submit To The Plant Overlords

  1. This would have been funny if you’d done a little research and gotten the plant characteristics right instead of just jotting down some plant names and inserting them into your story idea later like cowbell.

    Yeah, I’m a professional gardener, come at me, bro. (Holds up transplanting shovel like Samurai sword.)

    Waldsteinia is the slut, Delosperma is the prude.
    Cambridge Geranium doesn’t care who shares its bed, it takes all the covers, anyway.
    Virginia Creeper would never sound any alarm. It doesn’t give much of a shit about anything, or where it grows.

    (sigh) Now I know how Neil deGrasse Tyson felt watching Gravity.

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