Show Biz Chimps

chimpswithactor

BarbaraStreisand2KevinBaconI have worked with many famous people during my many years of employment in Show Business. Oh sure, I could drop names like Beyonce, Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Kevin Bacon, Charlize Theron, Bruce Springsteen, Jennifer Aniston, Elizabeth Taylor, but I won’t. Besides, they have restraining orders – some lasting past their demise.

But do you know who my favorite actors are to work with? Chimps.

I love chimpanzees.  Okay, there, I said it.  That’s the way I’m gonna roll.

They are just so honest.  Sometimes when a petulant starlet hits the stage, hours have to be spent getting her to “a place” where she can feel comfortable enough to do “her work.” It takes hours of compliments, Starbucks runs and sushi.

chimpreachingNot the chimps. They come out of their dressing room diaper clad and ready to work. You never have to worry about what mood the chimps are in because they wear their emotions on their hairy arms, and will instantly express feelings that everyone else in the room wishes they could.

On a recent commercial shoot in a car dealership, when our chimp felt a take went on too long, he would just sit down, or turn his back or make a bodily function noise.  Now who among us hasn’t thought about any of those options in the past, when a meeting has just gone on way too long, or the motivational speaker at the corporate team-building retreat starts talking about making everyone do improv games?

ChimparmsfoldedWhen the chimp got frustrated or angry at his fellow human actor in the scene for dropping lines, or with some direction that he felt was incorrect and offensive to him as a simian thespian, he would jump up and down, or start screaming, or tear up and eat a bunch of brochure props.  Again, I must reiterate:  who among us?

But my favorite move of all, one that I really want to try myself sometime, is when he just got tired of being on camera, the chimp would slowly start inching sideways out of frame and out of the scene, almost as if he was thinking, “If I just move slowly enough, they won’t notice that I’m gone . . . ”  Genius.

“Where’d Forrest go?”

“I dunno, but I guess the meeting is adjourned.”

This article first appeared in HumorOutcasts.com

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3 thoughts on “Show Biz Chimps

  1. I can’t type an appropriate response because I can’t stop laughing. I mean really, really laughing. Give me a minute. Okay. Except for the fact that the one chimp ripped that one lady’s face off, I am partial to chimps myself. They are honest. They honestly stink too. You didn’t notice that aspect of the diaper clad primates? Ah well, anyhoo. I don’t know how you ever kept a straight face during that shoot. The minute the chips appeared, I mean, how can you not help but smile, like ear to ear? They just, I don’t know, set a tone? I saw a pic of a chimp once wearing a tee shirt that said “Cut the bullshit!” I tried to find it but I can’t. Maybe one of your chimps is a Union rep, and he knows he was due a break, or maybe his diaper was itching. Those diapers can be a real drag…………Ok. I’m gonna stop now Forrest or I’ll be here all afternoon thinking up really super crappy chimp jokes, and I’m sure there’s something else I need to do. Just let me finish my banana and I’ll swing on out of here…………….oh GAWD. Erb out NOW.

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