I’m Not Ready Yet.

To those across the aisle who are asking me to “come together with our new President for the sake of the country,” or those on my side of the aisle who are asking me to be more tolerant: No. I’m not ready. I wish I could go with you on this one, but I am…

The Speed Of Hollywood

I was working on a commercial on the grounds of CAA’s World Headquarters, marveling at how many stories of glass and concrete a small group of people could afford who make their living off the work of others, when the first A.D. yelled, “That’s lunch! One hour!” I queued up to the catering truck, eagerly…

Christmas Starts After Thanksgiving, Dammit!

­I saw my first Christmas commercial ten days before Halloween this year. Well, okay technically it wasn’t a “Christmas” commercial. It was a “holiday” commercial with lots of red and green decorations, decorated fir trees in the house, snow on windows, stockings over fireplaces, presents, squealing children, Menorahs near the ham . . . but,…

I Saw The Apocalypse

I caught a frightening glimpse of the apocalypse, and it’s worse than you think. Yesterday our power was out all day and we were plunged into a darkness beyond what light can illuminate.  I have read many post-apocalyptic novels in my day, but they couldn’t begin to prepare me for a world without power. At…

Who Crisped My Bacon, Damnit?

You know what really crisps my bacon? Hospitals and colleges. I am so tired of getting solicitations from hospitals and colleges asking me to give generously, or how about sending us some extra money because we fixed your flooby valve, or don’t forget us in your will. My will! The cost of attending either one…

Lawyers For The Little Guys

For the first time in my three hundred seventy five years in Show Business, I worked on a commercial for lawyers. Usually the only lawyers who advertise on TV are the bottom feeders that want to profit from your denied disability claims, ancient asbestos exposure, or your, gulp, vaginal mesh debacle. But this was for…

The Playboy Mansion Exposed

As the Unofficial Historian and Expert of All Things Southern California, I want to make it clear that while Disneyland may be the “Happiest Place On Earth,” the place everyone wants to see is The Playboy Mansion. That, truly, is the “place where dreams are made of [sic].” Some time ago, I had the honor…

Film Crews Are the Mulch of Society

Let me explain. When an industry icon or local landmark falls into decay through either neglect or the passing of time or simply by becoming obsolete, film crews always seem to be the last inhabitants, often risking their own personal safety to extract what few cultural nutrients remain before the location is returned to the…